Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
