He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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