Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
