Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
