I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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