Pappa wants mamma naked
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
