mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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