the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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