I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
