i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
