I'm pants shitting drunk right now
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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