you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
