I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
