It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
