oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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