I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
