Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
