Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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