Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
