i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
