I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
