Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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