a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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