I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
