Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
