I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize