On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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