Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
