I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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