So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
