i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
