I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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