I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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