I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
