just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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