Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
