If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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