Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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