thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
