dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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