last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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