some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
