the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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