I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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