Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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