the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
