After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
