They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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