apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
