I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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