Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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