we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
