It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
