Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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