its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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