you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
