a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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