This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
