What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
