To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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