Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
