You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Even my vagina gasped.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
