he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
