If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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