the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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